Thoughts on therapy
When attending group therapy, the thought I have most often is “I don’t belong here.”
After all, these people have real problems. Why don’t I just suck it up and live with it?
My fellow group members are dealing with issues of abuse, abandonment, divorce… Things I can’t even imagine because I’ve been lucky enough not to have to deal with them.
And what are my issues?
Not being able to enjoy things, a lack of passion, direction, ambition, or hell, even an opinion. Not caring about anything, low self esteem, not knowing what to do with my life…
(Heh. That last one is a real kicker. How many millions of people don’t even have the luxury of being able to choose what to do with their lives?)
Problems? Sure, but they pale in comparison.
Objectively I realize the pitfalls associated with this kind of thinking. I know it’s just a way to talk myself out of going. So I do suck it up, but instead of quitting, I live up to the obligations I’ve made to myself. That doesn’t stop me from thinking the way I do, but the thoughts don’t control me, and I take pride in defying them.
It really doesn’t make sense, though. Someone with a minor ache or pain doesn’t think about denying himself treatment just because there are people who are sicker or more seriously injured. But take that malady and turn it into something less tangible, and there I go judging myself.
I’m lucky enough to be in a situation where I can do something to help myself, and I shouldn’t be critical of myself for doing it. But I am critical. I don’t even know if it makes sense, but there it is.
I’ve spent far too many years letting thoughts paralyze me, and this time I’m doing something, even if it’s wrong.
But I know it’s not.
(Right?)
Oh. I know what you are going through. All I can say is that it does get better, the self criticism. I’m glad you are doing this for yourself. Don’t give up!
Good for you. You feel like you don’t belong in group therapy, but it beats my story. I got kicked out bc I was too screwed up. That’s not what he said, of course. The therapist told me I would benefit from a more “intensive, individualized therapy”. That really helped the self esteem. BUT IT WORKED!! Well, therapy and 50 mg Zoloft. Hang in there. I am pulling for you.