Catharsis

What good is a blog if you can’t use it to get things off your chest?

The following is a series of brief messages. Things I wish I had said, could say, or would say to the women I’ve been close to over the years… Or wanted to be close to.

Or want to be close to.

No names, of course, but if you recognize yourself in here, just keep it between us, alright?

• My first and greatest love. I often wonder “what if,” and when I think of the one that got away, you’re it. Sometimes I’m still surprised at how well you know me. Too bad that we ended up in different worlds.
• One of my best friends, although I know in my heart that’s only from my side, but that’s OK. You’re really too pretty for me, and almost too young, but not quite. You’re jaded like me, though, and willing to give a guy like like me a shot. You’ve never really left me, although I think someday you will. It’s how things go. I feel like if I’d just taken a chance then I’d have gotten to you before he did. Of course I can’t love you without ever having met you, but I feel like I could have.
• We barely know each other and haven’t said more than a paragraph to each other. I fell in love with your photos on Flickr. You’re too young for me and far too big a drama queen But I’m serious when I say you’re one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. You helped inspire me to buy a camera, and one of my greatest fever dreams is to use it on you.
• I’d have to say we got ahead of ourselves online, and when the time came to actually go on a date… It didn’t exactly pan out. My problems already scare me, and the thought of adding yours to mine really scared me. I feel like I made matters worse, and I’m sorry for that. It’s good of you to not be mad at me for it. We could be friends, and I’ve tried, but I know you’re still embarassed around me. Don’t be.
• You were gone for a long time after doing something I didn’t agree with. Maybe I should have said something, but I didn’t think it was my place and you wouldn’t have listened anyway. I took my shot first, though, and missed. And then there was that time where things got… Interesting. But that was a long time ago, too. Now things are different. Too different I think. Sometimes you can’t go back. Sometimes there are ways I feel like I couldn’t trust you. But we’re still friends, and that’s what counts.
• You’re the enigma. I find you deeply intriguing. I’m pretty sure you know how I feel about you, but if so, you don’t let it slip. Don’t worry, I’m not head-over-heels in love, just crushing a bit. I don’t know how you feel about me. Maybe I should come right out and ask. I don’t know if it matters, though. You’re in a different place that you’d have to leave, and sometimes I feel like you want to, but it’s none of my business. If nothing else, you’ve taught me that opposites can attract. Or at least that I can be attracted to an opposite.
• You. You’re so far out of my league it’s ridiculous, and the only reason I even bothered to sniff your perfume was that you told a friend of mine that you’d… Well, I’ll just be polite and say you had impure thoughts about me. I let myself get talked into doing stuff I didn’t want to do trying to get closer, but I guess your thoughts were just thoughts. Luckily I came to my senses.
• OK. You’re a weirdo. I am, too, and that’s why I liked you, but you were too weird even for me. I gave it the old college try for far too long, and I feel like you did, too. I blame our mutual lack of experience on that one. We just didn’t know enough to bail out earlier. I learned from you that likes don’t necessarily attract. We both did some stupid things, but in the end we basically just didn’t interest each other. But I hold no grudge and wish you luck. I know how much it means to you.
• You’re both special and not. Special for what you did but not for who you are. You still had some growing up to do, and so did I, but in vastly different ways. I know you were just trying to find a way to be happy, so I don’t hold it against you. But I also don’t miss you, even though what you did for me meant a lot. I hope you’re doing well.
• We both thought we were looking for the same thing, and then we got it and both discovered that no, that wasn’t really what we were looking for at all. At least I hope that’s what you’ve come to discover. At the time I had discovered it, but you definitely had not. You deserve more than just a guy who’ll be nice to you, so hold out for that.
• Another of my best friends. I know how much I mean to you, and you mean a lot to me but I know deep down it’s just not as much. I wish it could be different but it’s not. I’ll never tell you but you did some things that will cause me to never trust you. We couldn’t be in more different worlds, but I’m glad we have what we have.
• You talked to me all night at Mitch’s Tavern and I was too ignorant to realize you were interested in me. I wasn’t used to that sort of thing and I’m still not.
• I wasted way too much time with you. But I was too young to know any better, and you thought not telling me to buzz off was being nice. How could we know that year’s later that would have been the most humane thing. My real regret is that I think you might have indirectly played a role in ruining what came next, not because of how I felt about you, but because of how she thought I felt about you. It doesn’t matter, though. That ship would have sank regardless. I think of you sometimes, but I’m sure you don’t think of me, and I’m OK with that because I can’t remember why it was I liked you.